I Hated Breastfeeding, So I Stopped
This post will not be for everyone. Some will roll their eyes, others may be turned off of everything I have to say from here on out. But in my experience, those are usually the pieces worth writing. This is my hope: 1. Any shame a mother feels over formula-feeding will be lessened (or eliminated!) by reading this, 2. That breastfeeding mothers will continue to feel proud of their ability to feed their children, 3. That we’ll all find a middle ground that enables celebration without underlying judgement.
A few weeks back I shared my top new-mom essentials. One simple line about my breastfeeding journey, or lack thereof, spawned a flurry of messages in my inbox.
“Why didn’t you breastfeed?”
“Will you try to breastfeed your next?”
“Do you regret not being able to breastfeed?”
In short: 1. Because I hated it. 2. Absolutely not. 3. And nope.
Candidly, I think this topic is overdone. But when I realized how many moms wanted to talk about it, needed to talk about it. I figured, what the hell. Let’s get this topless beach party started.
I’ll Show You Mine, If You Show Me Yours
Essentially, women keep their breastfeeding stories on lock down – until someone else opens up. And then it’s like let the wine flow, and the details follow. So here’s mine:
I was a formula-fed baby. My sisters were formula-fed babies. I didn’t grow up around breastfeeding, but I’ve never taken issue with a woman breastfeeding on the park bench across the way. So if anyone wants to try to make this about that – SORRY. I really don’t care when or where a woman breastfeeds. Basically because I know that a baby doesn’t care when he or she decides to be hungry. Breastfeeding was just never on my radar. Until I got pregnant with Bauer, and then you’re basically blacklisted unless you at least pretend to show interest in breastfeeding. And so when Bauer was born, I threw her on my chest those first few days in the hospital. I felt no shame flashing a little nip every now and then to whoever was in the room as I desperately tried to force this amazing bond you’re supposed to feel.
News flash: not all women experience the breastfeeding bond.
Here’s the part where I fear some women will stop reading. Because they’ve experienced the bond at such an incredible level that they can’t fathom that many don’t. That’s right: I said MANY. And for being a fairly sensitive person, I was proud when I realized that I didn’t have any issue admitting that how I fed my baby didn’t dictate our closeness.
But I read the studies, talked to doctors and knew that breast milk was “best” for a newborn and so I powered on. And hated it. Within the first week I transitioned into pumping exclusively. So there I sat, at 2 a.m. in our family room, rocking to the rhythm of the pump “Woo Woo Woo Woo” for six long weeks. Until finally, I spilled my measly supply of like six extra ounces on the floor and watched our goldendoodle lick it up. That was my breaking point. And so I stopped. Cold turkey. It was painful as hell, yet I felt this amazing relief at the same time. I no longer had to pretend to be something I wasn’t. I am not a breastfeeding mom. I’m a formula-feeding mom. And I’m damn proud of it.
I didn’t stop because of a non-existent supply. I didn’t stop due to any serious mental and emotional health issues. I stopped because I didn’t like it. And when Kingsley was born less than 2 years later, I skipped over the part where I pretended to be someone I’m not and went straight to formula. And if anyone takes personal issue with that, then they have way too much time on their hands.
But I’m just one woman, with one experience. So after y’all flooded my inbox with questions – I posed a few back to you on Instagram. And the response was overwhelming. I heard from women who swear by breastfeeding, women who swore by breastfeeding (until it involved their own breasts), NICU nurses who understand the nutrients of breastmilk and appreciate the power of post-partum depression, and how the pressures of breastfeeding can contribute to it. So many of you took the time to share details of a personal experience and choice. And did y’all share DETAILS. Like long emails. Because you had a lot to say. And you know what was the most refreshing part of reading them all? One underlying phrase:
Women need to make the decision that’s best for THEM, and their family.
And some, from both parties, went further to say: that’s not always breastfeeding.
This isn’t a post arguing against the medical benefits of breastfeeding. And it’s not a post outlining a boatload of tips for formula-feeding mothers. I’m going to share something that’s pulled at me for awhile, and still does a bit every time I scroll through Instagram or open People Magazine. Breastfeeding photos are (in my opinion) EVERYWHERE, proudly followed by #normalizebreastfeeding. You really have to search for a photo of a mom feeding formula to a newborn. So truth be told, this has always left me feeling a bit feisty. I found myself unfollowing women on Instagram who talked about breastfeeding nonstop. And I hate that. Because why shouldn’t I enjoy seeing their happiness?
Breastfeeding has a solid marketing plan, y’all. Good for them. BRAVO. So much so, that formula brands really have to work to find influencers willing to speak publicly about their product. And they have to pay up. Because a photo of a woman holding a bottle isn’t trendy. We’ve become so obsessed with normalizing breastfeeding, that we’ve completely ostracized those who can’t.
And because breastfeeding moms are proudly shouting their stories from the rooftops, they are normalizing breastfeeding.
As Kingsley approach her first birthday I was often asked by random moms I’d start chatting with at gymnastics or in the Target aisles, “Are you still breastfeeding?”
Are you picking up what I’m putting down? I was asked if I was still breastfeeding, not if I ever breastfed.
And so, I’m in the opinion that breastfeeding is the norm, and formula is hanging out in the corner of a cafeteria eating lunch alone.
So my gut reaction has been to get angry every time I see a photo of a woman, boob out, baby latched and the outpouring of “likes” and comments that followed. And then I realized WE (meaning formula-feeding moms) are the problem. And I know that sounds harsh. Because I know many of us have experiences that have led us to feel ashamed of our failure to breastfeed. You shared them with me in your emails.
You’ve been shunned by nurses. Judged by strangers and mother-in-laws. Received pamphlets in the mail from a do-gooder on the benefits of breastfeeding, despite having a medical condition that literally made it impossible for you to supply milk.
And all of that hurt. It made you feel broken as a woman, after doing the incredible: creating and birthing human life. Those experiences have kept you from posting the picture of giving your newborn a bottle in the nursery you spent months decorating. They’ve made you start to explain yourself, before even being asked, as you pulled your formula dispenser out of your bag.
But here’s the thing. If you’ve felt frustrated by breastfeeding being thrown at you 24/7, let’s just let.it.go. Let’s raise our bottles and toast to focusing less on what’s making us feel like we aren’t enough, and more on lifting each other up.
I posted the photo below on Instagram with the #BottledinLove. Dig deep in your camera rolls, or take the picture next time – and start posting pictures of your formula-feeding journey. We can’t support each other if we’re all in hiding. I’m talking to all of you – the moms that have exclusively fed formula from day 1, the moms that tried breastfeeding and had the strength to know it wasn’t for them, and the moms that are grateful they have an option when they need to supplement. Let’s stop acting like formula is a dirty word. Take the picture. Post the picture. Hashtag “BottledinLove”. Post it on Instagram so I can celebrate with you. Share this on Facebook and tag #BottledinLove so we can connect with fellow moms. Somewhere right now there’s a new mom struggling with breastfeeding. She may wake up tomorrow and decide formula is best for her family. Wouldn’t it be nice for her to be able to see lots of photos of happy and healthy moms and babies?
I’m not petitioning against breastfeeding. I’m not denying the nutrients breastmilk packs. I’m simply saying: there’s no one way to do something. So let’s stop acting like breastfeeding is the only option – when it’s not the best option for you.
Memories captured by Alea Moore Photography.
Erin says
Bravo!! So well said. You do you, I’ll do me. Let’s focus on the healthy FED baby!
Meghan Basinger says
Exactly! And thank you for reading 🙂
Deb Roth says
I love this article! Breastfeeding or the choice not to was just another avenue for bullying from mothers who put me down for choosing to formula feed. I even had one Mothet tell me I was a terrible person and mother because of my decision. Thank goodness my daughter who will also choose to formula feed has a better self esteem than I did! So happy to pass this on!
Meghan Basinger says
Thank you so much for reading, Deb! And for your support with your sweet comment. I really appreciate it!
Becka says
Wow wow wow. I feel like I could have written this. THANK YOU!! So well said! Cheers to a FED baby!
Meghan Basinger says
Thank you SO SO much! I really appreciate you taking the time to read!
Ashlee says
Same story. Although I got caught up with the whole you should be breastfeeding your baby thing, that with my second, I tried harder. I made it breastfeeding 4 days (my first it was 2 then totally gave up), then pumped for 6 weeks and had enough to mix breastmilk and formula for a solid 3 months. BUT I HATED IT. If I ever have a third (highly unlikely), not even trying. It’s just not for me. Thanks for putting my thoughts into words.
Meghan Basinger says
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and share! It’s nice knowing I’m not the only mom that’s had this experience!
Meghan says
LOVE LOVE this article! People are OBSESSED about breast feeding. OBSESSED! While I was pregnant people were more ineterested in whether or not I was planning to breast feed ?! Is this a questions people are asking?! When did this start? Do you people really care? When I decided I ‘d had enough of breastfeeding I started researching formulas, and found even when you visit a formula brand website, dicaimers pop up “Breast is Best” SERIOUSLY?!
Good for you Mama. I support you and all the Moms who decide to do what is best for them without listening to the ridiculous pressure from the rest of the obsessed world.
Jen says
I love this post. I hated breastfeeding with the fire of a thousand suns. I lasted maybe 16 days with my first and when straight to formula with my second. Formula feeding made me a better, more rested, no-longer-resentful mom who was able to enjoy that first year so much more and give more of myself in other ways. Both my kids are super smart, rarely sick, and we’re really close. Fed is best.
KW says
Loving this post, loving everything about you, thinking about being you for Halloween! I was judged very harshly. I had a consultant for six months with my last baby. She was constantly by my side. She was charting before and after weights. She corrected latch. She checked diapers. Milk did not happen. Baby never had a deep swallow. I would sweat buckets EVERY feeding. I felt ANGRY during every session. My stomach would get tight, then I’d have severe diarrhea most of the day. I’ve been called a liar while describing my symptoms. Baby cried & pushed away while being held on the breast. Nothing about us was what anyone expected. My daughter downright rejected any skin to skin contact. My nipples didn’t respond at all. Nipple shields created a latch, but no flow. We used a hose attached to breast to see if faster flow would calm her. She just sucked on the hose like a gerbil. Half feeding her from a spoon didn’t work to calm her either. Looking back, I wish I had immediately bottle fed all seven of my children. Oh the years of torment endured, which served absolutely no purpose. I hated everything about breastfeeding. Pumping was a waste of time and money. I saw a little moisture on the funnel…probably sweat! I could go on forever, but I’ll end with PROFESSIONALS NEED TO ADMIT NOT EVERY WOMAN CAN BREASTFEED.